Hello folks!
Coming here after couple days. Sorry, but my internet was crapy these days.
Well, I actually don't have a lot to say. My easter break is being kinda lame. Wednesday was fun, I went out to dinner with my friends and then one of them sleptover my house and we basically played Guitar hero world tour and laugh. But yesterday, I didn't do anything really cool. I just went to my uncle's house and slept during Twilight. Let me explain! It was in portuguese and GOSH, I hate movies that are not in their original language, and I was super tired.
Today is holy friday (?) Tradition says you can't eat meat like cow or pork. I cannot see any sense in this, but I keep following it, I don't know why, I just do it.
I must say I'm frustrated right now. Friday night, no classes tomorrow morning and I'm here, with nothing to do, booo-red. If I were in the US, this time I would be out with my friends like we always did; Gosh, I miss that, more than anything. I miss having no worries about school. I could do everything I wanted at anytime surrounded by people that I loved. Here life equals prison. School keeps us always occupied, they rule our life, they even chose who our friends would be by alphabetical order. They don't encourage people to dream, to imagine, to create. They teach us how to solve equations, how to obey stringent rules, how to make it through college, but they forget to teach us how to solve problems, how to understand our emotions, handle harsh situations, how to be tolerant about the other's fault, to admit you're wrong and how to apoligize. They just treat us like robots, they call us numbers instead of our names, they don't give us options, opportunity to complain. They're just a system that will remain the same until someone gets enough courage to face them.
And in Brazil, that never happens. People over here are conformed about reality. They don't believe in changes anymore. A true politician with good intetions will be killed if he tries to do the right thing because the other ones are only there to steal the public money. Scadals are something normal here nowadays. They involve everyone, from the drug dealer, to the policeman, to the governor, the judge, the president. It's something we can see, but we don't complain about it. That makes me feel so uncapable, and that's actually what I really am. I wish I could change everything wrong, but I'm one in the crowd...and I can't even scream because I would get a sore throat. Well, I dream about the day I will have some influence and in that I can change the world, or at least my city.
My question tonight is: How can they bet on us, this new generation, to give a better future to this world, while they are giving us the worst kind of examples, an incomplete education?
And that's how I will finish my post.
a song, of course.
"Life inside the music box ain't easy
The mallets hit, the gears are always turning
And everyone inside the mechanism
Is yearning
To get out
And sing another melody completely
So different from the one they're always singing
I close my eyes and think that I have found me
But then I feel mortality surround me
I want to sing another melody
So different from the one I always sing..."
and that's how I feel.
Cheers everyone o/
sexta-feira, 10 de abril de 2009
domingo, 5 de abril de 2009
Such a long long way to go, where I'm going I don't know...
Hey hey hey!
Didn't have time to post in here yesterday. I hung out at my neighbours house the whole afternoon and spent the nigth at my friends house play rock band, eating pizza, talking, listening to music...it was kinda cool. I had tons of fun. I must admit I'm not that inspired today but I'll try my best.
Today in the morning, I went to the beach. I stayed a while there sunbathing looking to the clouds and, guess what? Thinking about life, again. The clouds looked so peaceful. They seemed to be there comforting me, pure condensed water. They had no worries that moment, totally different from when it's raining, when they seem depressed. It's the same logic for human beings. Not for me though. I can act like a fluffy white cloud all the time, even if I'm completely blue. Life is my stage and I'm an actress, i would say, always trying to get the main role. I've been randomly crying everytime I get out of the role. That's why I almost don't get out of it anymore.
Music, my greatest passion, used to help me so much with all this sadness, now It's only supporting it. Every single song I hear or sing, there's a part I can relate with my "play". This long play, I hope, is getting to its climax. I would be lying if I said nothing really big has ever happened to me, because there were big deals in my life, but they've never come out the way I wanted to or they haven't had a proper end. I don't know how to explain that. It's probably because I'm a dreamer, One part of me still expects my life to be a fairytale where I'm the girl that the dreams can easily come true and everything is always perfect. The other part is pretty realistic and knows that this can't be true. Actually It thinks that life would be really boring without all the drama lol.
What I can say is: life is not easy, but that's what makes it so interesting.
That's why I need to think about it. But I just can't think that my situation is happening for my good, you know.
I just wish I had less superficial things to be excited about at the moment (??)
That's all...Cheers!
"What would you do if I sang outta tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
And i'll try not to sing outta key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends!"
*hoping*
Didn't have time to post in here yesterday. I hung out at my neighbours house the whole afternoon and spent the nigth at my friends house play rock band, eating pizza, talking, listening to music...it was kinda cool. I had tons of fun. I must admit I'm not that inspired today but I'll try my best.
Today in the morning, I went to the beach. I stayed a while there sunbathing looking to the clouds and, guess what? Thinking about life, again. The clouds looked so peaceful. They seemed to be there comforting me, pure condensed water. They had no worries that moment, totally different from when it's raining, when they seem depressed. It's the same logic for human beings. Not for me though. I can act like a fluffy white cloud all the time, even if I'm completely blue. Life is my stage and I'm an actress, i would say, always trying to get the main role. I've been randomly crying everytime I get out of the role. That's why I almost don't get out of it anymore.
Music, my greatest passion, used to help me so much with all this sadness, now It's only supporting it. Every single song I hear or sing, there's a part I can relate with my "play". This long play, I hope, is getting to its climax. I would be lying if I said nothing really big has ever happened to me, because there were big deals in my life, but they've never come out the way I wanted to or they haven't had a proper end. I don't know how to explain that. It's probably because I'm a dreamer, One part of me still expects my life to be a fairytale where I'm the girl that the dreams can easily come true and everything is always perfect. The other part is pretty realistic and knows that this can't be true. Actually It thinks that life would be really boring without all the drama lol.
What I can say is: life is not easy, but that's what makes it so interesting.
That's why I need to think about it. But I just can't think that my situation is happening for my good, you know.
I just wish I had less superficial things to be excited about at the moment (??)
That's all...Cheers!
"What would you do if I sang outta tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
And i'll try not to sing outta key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends!"
*hoping*
sexta-feira, 3 de abril de 2009
Well, here I am again, to write about my boring life and thoughts.
I swear I tried to post yesterday but I couldn't, I had an essay to write and a book to read for the tests tomorrow. But I thought about a lot of stuff to write in here. As usual, it won't make sense at all but at least I'm true in every single word that's here.
I was supposed to be studying now. Have four tests in the morning (Yeah, tomorrow is saturday and, yes, I have school!), but I can't study too much. I admire people that can study 2 weeks before the test, 4 hours a day but I'm not able to do that. I try (with no success) to pay attention in all the classes and study 30 minutes the day before the test. I'm not the smartest kid neither the dumb one. That's all because I love to think (as you probably noticed lol) and it's really hard to me to keep focus on something or concentrated, because when I think about something that will make me think about another thing by association and so on....no one can stop my mind.
These 2 days, It has been raining here in Rio, and I just remember how much I love summer rain (although it's officially fall here, It feels like summer all year long): always so fast, after weeks of extremely hot days, makes me want to lock in my room with popcorn, movies my purple blanket and hot cocoa. This ideal day is so different from my reality: no matter the weather, I have to spend the whole that at my classroom at school, impersonal room with 42 kids on the inside. There's a huge difference between what I want to do, what I have to do and what I wish I could do. If I weren't that worried about my health, I would love to go outside and just dance crazily and without thinking about all the problems I would have in my throat because of that.
Life is not about you want or you wish; it's about doing what you have to do. And that's something that makes me frustrated. I want so many things, I dream about my life constantly and I strongly wish that they'll come true and then I need to give up of everything to do what I have to do, no passion, no emotion involved. It's just something you must do because it's a convention. But I believe in me and I won't be corrupted by that. When I get free from school, I will fight for this right, to do what I want, to have the life I've always dreamt about. Because deep inside, what really cares is not my fathers complains or my peers pressure. It's my judgement about myself that I care about. That's my measurement of happiness; as long as I'm satisfied with myself, I'll be fine; and the only way this can happen is following my principles and dreams, and having people I love around me.
That's another point I thought a lot about yesterday. Nowadays, for the majority of people, happiness is about having a good job, making money, having a good social life. Well, for me, happiness has always been pleasing the people I love. Pure and true happiness for me is watching my friends and family happy. Disappointing them makes me depressed that I cannot sleep well at night thinking about my mistake. I don't know if I'm the only one that thinks that way, I guess so. This is just another feeling that increases my frustration about the world. I don't know. I just realized that I'm probably one of a kind in a constant search for people like me to share my love and my thoughts and If I don't change drastically I will be always sad about something.
"I need somebody to love..." and to be loved in return, that's a fact. But I've just realized that, in my senior year, after more than 8 years in the same class, where everybody is friends with their friends since like forever and a year that doesn't give me time to do anything else besides school. After being coldly ditched by the person that used to say she was my bff, I was lost there. A whole life friendship thrown out the window in few weeks. That made me weaker each second and that's probably the main reason I arranged my sweet escape to uncle sam's world. I thought everything would be better when I got back here, but there was actually when my biggest problems began. But if I started to talk abour them right now, I would spend my whole night here.
And that's how finish my post: unfinished. I promiss I'll talk about that later.
Now I'm just typing a song I wrote at school not a long time ago. I have the lyrics, but no rhythm yet. I'll write here hoping that somebody (a.k.a. Shannon lol) will find out the melody to my lyrics.
That's all. Cheers to everybody!
Sunlight
by Ana Luiza Ferreira
Close your eyes
And think about me for a while
And then I might
Be right there on your side.
I wish It could be always like that
But life is so unfair.
I had to move on, come back to my world
Without you to comfort me though.
I miss you,
And you have no idea how I do.
I need you,
To help me make it through.
You gave me love,
Completed my life,
You cheered me up
And was there all the time
I need you,
and you have no idea how I do.
Constantly headaches,
Frustrating dates,
Nobody is there for me and
I know I'm not right,
keep telling I'll be fine,
But not without you here.
I swear I tried to post yesterday but I couldn't, I had an essay to write and a book to read for the tests tomorrow. But I thought about a lot of stuff to write in here. As usual, it won't make sense at all but at least I'm true in every single word that's here.
I was supposed to be studying now. Have four tests in the morning (Yeah, tomorrow is saturday and, yes, I have school!), but I can't study too much. I admire people that can study 2 weeks before the test, 4 hours a day but I'm not able to do that. I try (with no success) to pay attention in all the classes and study 30 minutes the day before the test. I'm not the smartest kid neither the dumb one. That's all because I love to think (as you probably noticed lol) and it's really hard to me to keep focus on something or concentrated, because when I think about something that will make me think about another thing by association and so on....no one can stop my mind.
These 2 days, It has been raining here in Rio, and I just remember how much I love summer rain (although it's officially fall here, It feels like summer all year long): always so fast, after weeks of extremely hot days, makes me want to lock in my room with popcorn, movies my purple blanket and hot cocoa. This ideal day is so different from my reality: no matter the weather, I have to spend the whole that at my classroom at school, impersonal room with 42 kids on the inside. There's a huge difference between what I want to do, what I have to do and what I wish I could do. If I weren't that worried about my health, I would love to go outside and just dance crazily and without thinking about all the problems I would have in my throat because of that.
Life is not about you want or you wish; it's about doing what you have to do. And that's something that makes me frustrated. I want so many things, I dream about my life constantly and I strongly wish that they'll come true and then I need to give up of everything to do what I have to do, no passion, no emotion involved. It's just something you must do because it's a convention. But I believe in me and I won't be corrupted by that. When I get free from school, I will fight for this right, to do what I want, to have the life I've always dreamt about. Because deep inside, what really cares is not my fathers complains or my peers pressure. It's my judgement about myself that I care about. That's my measurement of happiness; as long as I'm satisfied with myself, I'll be fine; and the only way this can happen is following my principles and dreams, and having people I love around me.
That's another point I thought a lot about yesterday. Nowadays, for the majority of people, happiness is about having a good job, making money, having a good social life. Well, for me, happiness has always been pleasing the people I love. Pure and true happiness for me is watching my friends and family happy. Disappointing them makes me depressed that I cannot sleep well at night thinking about my mistake. I don't know if I'm the only one that thinks that way, I guess so. This is just another feeling that increases my frustration about the world. I don't know. I just realized that I'm probably one of a kind in a constant search for people like me to share my love and my thoughts and If I don't change drastically I will be always sad about something.
"I need somebody to love..." and to be loved in return, that's a fact. But I've just realized that, in my senior year, after more than 8 years in the same class, where everybody is friends with their friends since like forever and a year that doesn't give me time to do anything else besides school. After being coldly ditched by the person that used to say she was my bff, I was lost there. A whole life friendship thrown out the window in few weeks. That made me weaker each second and that's probably the main reason I arranged my sweet escape to uncle sam's world. I thought everything would be better when I got back here, but there was actually when my biggest problems began. But if I started to talk abour them right now, I would spend my whole night here.
And that's how finish my post: unfinished. I promiss I'll talk about that later.
Now I'm just typing a song I wrote at school not a long time ago. I have the lyrics, but no rhythm yet. I'll write here hoping that somebody (a.k.a. Shannon lol) will find out the melody to my lyrics.
That's all. Cheers to everybody!
Sunlight
by Ana Luiza Ferreira
Close your eyes
And think about me for a while
And then I might
Be right there on your side.
I wish It could be always like that
But life is so unfair.
I had to move on, come back to my world
Without you to comfort me though.
I miss you,
And you have no idea how I do.
I need you,
To help me make it through.
You gave me love,
Completed my life,
You cheered me up
And was there all the time
I need you,
and you have no idea how I do.
Constantly headaches,
Frustrating dates,
Nobody is there for me and
I know I'm not right,
keep telling I'll be fine,
But not without you here.
quarta-feira, 1 de abril de 2009
Just wondering...
I've been thinking a lot about what to write in here...don't ask me why but I've been always like that. I always think before and when I start writing, it never ends the way i planned. Well, it's a curse.
Another point is that it's my first post and I don't know how to start it...I have a lot of things to tell, but I don't know how to start.
And I'll probably remember a lot of random things while I'm writing and in the end this post will have no sense at all.
So, as I said, after thinking about it, I decided I was going to explain things in this first post and that's what I'm doing right now.
First of all, I'm not writing this thing to people read it. I'm not expecting people to visit it and get famous. Of course I will show it to my closest friends (which are not a lot at this moment =/). My main reason for that is my necessity to talk about my life and my issues. I need someone to hear and help me, but I just feel I'm bothering my friends with all my talking. Although I don't have free time to keep a blog, I will try my best to do it.
Second of all, I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, with a lot of different experiences "in my luggage". During the last 2 years and a half, my life has been so intensive positive and negatively. I have been doing everything I can, getting the most of my life, living new adventures, facing problems by myself. I've been doing everything like there's no tomorrow, taking all my chances and risks, learning and changing constantly, always trying to follow my principles. During this time, The feelings have been so extreme, like it never was before and they are the main reason of all my problems. Being an artist, I admit I'm too emotional. There were people that told me my problem is loving and caring too much about the others. That might be true, but that's who I am, and no matter how hard I'll try, I'll never be able to change this condition. You must be asking yourself why that is a problem. Well the problem is that loving the others, I expect to be loved in return in the same way. That never happens and I always get frustrated. I'm not talking about lovers, I'm talking about friends. I always try so hard to please my friends and I never see they doing the same effort for me. It makes me depressed, specially now that I just came back to my homecountry believing on false promisses of keeping in touch and loving each other forever. Well, what it's happening now is the same old story: I'm getting sad and disappointed while I'm being forgotten and in some cases, even ignored by some of my friends. I tried my best (no, I've been trying my best) to keep in touch with them, but all I see is no effort, no affection.
Third, I must say i'm a dreamer and a believer and right now, I think I'm the only one. The only person fool enough to believe that this situation will change, that I can change it. But once again, that's me and I can't fight against it.
Forth, I hate my life back here. I have no true friends, I have no free time, I don't have a lot of fun. All I do is study and study and study and this is not a life. I miss having somebody always there for me when i need him/her, somebody to talk about silly stuff, somebody that advise you, console you and that i feel safe when I'm with. I don't have any of that in my new life. My present is so terrible that I'd rather live in the past, recall my memories, than living now.
My only hope now is thinking that tomorrow will be better. When the hell is gonna be tomorrow?
Fifth and last, I'm really confused about my future...like I've never been before. Senior year makes you think a lot about it and I just realized I'm completely lost. I've always wanted to do so many things and now I have to decide one of them as a career and my dad doesn't approve any of them.
That's pretty much my life right now.
Amazing, isn't it? (being ironic, of course.)
Now I just feel like ending up with a song quotation.
Songs have the power to "translate" my feelings to words.
Cheers everybody!
"All this time, you've been telling me lies
hidden in bags that are under your eyes
and when I asked you I knew I was right
But if you turn your back on me now,
when I need you most
but you chose to let me down down down
Won't you think about what you're about to do to me,
and back down?"
Another point is that it's my first post and I don't know how to start it...I have a lot of things to tell, but I don't know how to start.
And I'll probably remember a lot of random things while I'm writing and in the end this post will have no sense at all.
So, as I said, after thinking about it, I decided I was going to explain things in this first post and that's what I'm doing right now.
First of all, I'm not writing this thing to people read it. I'm not expecting people to visit it and get famous. Of course I will show it to my closest friends (which are not a lot at this moment =/). My main reason for that is my necessity to talk about my life and my issues. I need someone to hear and help me, but I just feel I'm bothering my friends with all my talking. Although I don't have free time to keep a blog, I will try my best to do it.
Second of all, I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, with a lot of different experiences "in my luggage". During the last 2 years and a half, my life has been so intensive positive and negatively. I have been doing everything I can, getting the most of my life, living new adventures, facing problems by myself. I've been doing everything like there's no tomorrow, taking all my chances and risks, learning and changing constantly, always trying to follow my principles. During this time, The feelings have been so extreme, like it never was before and they are the main reason of all my problems. Being an artist, I admit I'm too emotional. There were people that told me my problem is loving and caring too much about the others. That might be true, but that's who I am, and no matter how hard I'll try, I'll never be able to change this condition. You must be asking yourself why that is a problem. Well the problem is that loving the others, I expect to be loved in return in the same way. That never happens and I always get frustrated. I'm not talking about lovers, I'm talking about friends. I always try so hard to please my friends and I never see they doing the same effort for me. It makes me depressed, specially now that I just came back to my homecountry believing on false promisses of keeping in touch and loving each other forever. Well, what it's happening now is the same old story: I'm getting sad and disappointed while I'm being forgotten and in some cases, even ignored by some of my friends. I tried my best (no, I've been trying my best) to keep in touch with them, but all I see is no effort, no affection.
Third, I must say i'm a dreamer and a believer and right now, I think I'm the only one. The only person fool enough to believe that this situation will change, that I can change it. But once again, that's me and I can't fight against it.
Forth, I hate my life back here. I have no true friends, I have no free time, I don't have a lot of fun. All I do is study and study and study and this is not a life. I miss having somebody always there for me when i need him/her, somebody to talk about silly stuff, somebody that advise you, console you and that i feel safe when I'm with. I don't have any of that in my new life. My present is so terrible that I'd rather live in the past, recall my memories, than living now.
My only hope now is thinking that tomorrow will be better. When the hell is gonna be tomorrow?
Fifth and last, I'm really confused about my future...like I've never been before. Senior year makes you think a lot about it and I just realized I'm completely lost. I've always wanted to do so many things and now I have to decide one of them as a career and my dad doesn't approve any of them.
That's pretty much my life right now.
Amazing, isn't it? (being ironic, of course.)
Now I just feel like ending up with a song quotation.
Songs have the power to "translate" my feelings to words.
Cheers everybody!
"All this time, you've been telling me lies
hidden in bags that are under your eyes
and when I asked you I knew I was right
But if you turn your back on me now,
when I need you most
but you chose to let me down down down
Won't you think about what you're about to do to me,
and back down?"
Assinar:
Postagens (Atom)