Well, here I am again, to write about my boring life and thoughts.
I swear I tried to post yesterday but I couldn't, I had an essay to write and a book to read for the tests tomorrow. But I thought about a lot of stuff to write in here. As usual, it won't make sense at all but at least I'm true in every single word that's here.

I was supposed to be studying now. Have four tests in the morning (Yeah, tomorrow is saturday and, yes, I have school!), but I can't study too much. I admire people that can study 2 weeks before the test, 4 hours a day but I'm not able to do that. I try (with no success) to pay attention in all the classes and study 30 minutes the day before the test. I'm not the smartest kid neither the dumb one. That's all because I love to think (as you probably noticed lol) and it's really hard to me to keep focus on something or concentrated, because when I think about something that will make me think about another thing by association and so on....no one can stop my mind.

These 2 days, It has been raining here in Rio, and I just remember how much I love summer rain (although it's officially fall here, It feels like summer all year long): always so fast, after weeks of extremely hot days, makes me want to lock in my room with popcorn, movies my purple blanket and hot cocoa. This ideal day is so different from my reality: no matter the weather, I have to spend the whole that at my classroom at school, impersonal room with 42 kids on the inside. There's a huge difference between what I want to do, what I have to do and what I wish I could do. If I weren't that worried about my health, I would love to go outside and just dance crazily and without thinking about all the problems I would have in my throat because of that.
Life is not about you want or you wish; it's about doing what you have to do. And that's something that makes me frustrated. I want so many things, I dream about my life constantly and I strongly wish that they'll come true and then I need to give up of everything to do what I have to do, no passion, no emotion involved. It's just something you must do because it's a convention. But I believe in me and I won't be corrupted by that. When I get free from school, I will fight for this right, to do what I want, to have the life I've always dreamt about. Because deep inside, what really cares is not my fathers complains or my peers pressure. It's my judgement about myself that I care about. That's my measurement of happiness; as long as I'm satisfied with myself, I'll be fine; and the only way this can happen is following my principles and dreams, and having people I love around me.
That's another point I thought a lot about yesterday. Nowadays, for the majority of people, happiness is about having a good job, making money, having a good social life. Well, for me, happiness has always been pleasing the people I love. Pure and true happiness for me is watching my friends and family happy. Disappointing them makes me depressed that I cannot sleep well at night thinking about my mistake. I don't know if I'm the only one that thinks that way, I guess so. This is just another feeling that increases my frustration about the world. I don't know. I just realized that I'm probably one of a kind in a constant search for people like me to share my love and my thoughts and If I don't change drastically I will be always sad about something.
"I need somebody to love..." and to be loved in return, that's a fact. But I've just realized that, in my senior year, after more than 8 years in the same class, where everybody is friends with their friends since like forever and a year that doesn't give me time to do anything else besides school. After being coldly ditched by the person that used to say she was my bff, I was lost there. A whole life friendship thrown out the window in few weeks. That made me weaker each second and that's probably the main reason I arranged my sweet escape to uncle sam's world. I thought everything would be better when I got back here, but there was actually when my biggest problems began. But if I started to talk abour them right now, I would spend my whole night here.
And that's how finish my post: unfinished. I promiss I'll talk about that later.
Now I'm just typing a song I wrote at school not a long time ago. I have the lyrics, but no rhythm yet. I'll write here hoping that somebody (a.k.a. Shannon lol) will find out the melody to my lyrics.
That's all. Cheers to everybody!

Sunlight
by Ana Luiza Ferreira

Close your eyes
And think about me for a while
And then I might
Be right there on your side.

I wish It could be always like that
But life is so unfair.
I had to move on, come back to my world
Without you to comfort me though.

I miss you,
And you have no idea how I do.
I need you,
To help me make it through.
You gave me love,
Completed my life,
You cheered me up
And was there all the time
I need you,
and you have no idea how I do.

Constantly headaches,
Frustrating dates,
Nobody is there for me and
I know I'm not right,
keep telling I'll be fine,
But not without you here.