I've been thinking a lot about what to write in here...don't ask me why but I've been always like that. I always think before and when I start writing, it never ends the way i planned. Well, it's a curse.
Another point is that it's my first post and I don't know how to start it...I have a lot of things to tell, but I don't know how to start.
And I'll probably remember a lot of random things while I'm writing and in the end this post will have no sense at all.
So, as I said, after thinking about it, I decided I was going to explain things in this first post and that's what I'm doing right now.
First of all, I'm not writing this thing to people read it. I'm not expecting people to visit it and get famous. Of course I will show it to my closest friends (which are not a lot at this moment =/). My main reason for that is my necessity to talk about my life and my issues. I need someone to hear and help me, but I just feel I'm bothering my friends with all my talking. Although I don't have free time to keep a blog, I will try my best to do it.
Second of all, I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, with a lot of different experiences "in my luggage". During the last 2 years and a half, my life has been so intensive positive and negatively. I have been doing everything I can, getting the most of my life, living new adventures, facing problems by myself. I've been doing everything like there's no tomorrow, taking all my chances and risks, learning and changing constantly, always trying to follow my principles. During this time, The feelings have been so extreme, like it never was before and they are the main reason of all my problems. Being an artist, I admit I'm too emotional. There were people that told me my problem is loving and caring too much about the others. That might be true, but that's who I am, and no matter how hard I'll try, I'll never be able to change this condition. You must be asking yourself why that is a problem. Well the problem is that loving the others, I expect to be loved in return in the same way. That never happens and I always get frustrated. I'm not talking about lovers, I'm talking about friends. I always try so hard to please my friends and I never see they doing the same effort for me. It makes me depressed, specially now that I just came back to my homecountry believing on false promisses of keeping in touch and loving each other forever. Well, what it's happening now is the same old story: I'm getting sad and disappointed while I'm being forgotten and in some cases, even ignored by some of my friends. I tried my best (no, I've been trying my best) to keep in touch with them, but all I see is no effort, no affection.
Third, I must say i'm a dreamer and a believer and right now, I think I'm the only one. The only person fool enough to believe that this situation will change, that I can change it. But once again, that's me and I can't fight against it.
Forth, I hate my life back here. I have no true friends, I have no free time, I don't have a lot of fun. All I do is study and study and study and this is not a life. I miss having somebody always there for me when i need him/her, somebody to talk about silly stuff, somebody that advise you, console you and that i feel safe when I'm with. I don't have any of that in my new life. My present is so terrible that I'd rather live in the past, recall my memories, than living now.
My only hope now is thinking that tomorrow will be better. When the hell is gonna be tomorrow?
Fifth and last, I'm really confused about my future...like I've never been before. Senior year makes you think a lot about it and I just realized I'm completely lost. I've always wanted to do so many things and now I have to decide one of them as a career and my dad doesn't approve any of them.
That's pretty much my life right now.
Amazing, isn't it? (being ironic, of course.)
Now I just feel like ending up with a song quotation.
Songs have the power to "translate" my feelings to words.
Cheers everybody!
"All this time, you've been telling me lies
hidden in bags that are under your eyes
and when I asked you I knew I was right
But if you turn your back on me now,
when I need you most
but you chose to let me down down down
Won't you think about what you're about to do to me,
and back down?"
Um comentário:
Ana, that was a really nice first post. Loved it. I like who you are, and that you are so honest. You're caring and loving is such a good trait, although I totally get that it also makes you frustrated when it's not returned. Hang in there, dear. Even though we didn't really have much contact before you left, I am glad we do now, and I promise I'll do my best to also stay in touch. Whatever troubles you, you know that you can always come to me. Never think that you bother me when you talk about your life and issues, because I love your honesty, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Keep it up!
Love you, Ana!
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