Impressões

O céu tem infinitas dimensões

Os sentimentos são como erupções

O amor, inúmeras canções

As histórias são cheias de variações

As escolhas são também decisões

E por isso, o futuro nos traz aflições

Sobre as presentes incertezas e indagações.

Pois os sonhos podem se tornar desilusões.

It was all a lie.

lies lies lies.

and I believed in every single word you said.

and now I'm broken and can't see a way to be fixed.

Dói.....muito.

Reflexão

You got me falling

through noticing the little things you do

Putting a hold right over me

Funny as it seems

You make me dream

Doing the little things, those little things you do.

Confusão

Mais do que tudo.

Eu odeio ter escrito isso pensando em você.

Isso é um jogo?

Sério, porque eu realmente não te entendo.

meu orgulho está ferido

e eu não vou te procurar.

Telefonema

Eu odeio como não consigo controlar o efeito que você causa em mim, mesmo com as palavras mais singelas, as ações mais cotidianas, mesmo a distância.

Eu odeio precisar de você e você parecer não estar nem ai; a solidão me engole, a carência me perturba, as lembranças me perseguem.

Eu odeio o mistério que nos envolve desde o começo, dando espaço para suposições errôneas, dúvidas inacabáveis.

Eu odeio reconhecer o cheiro do seu perfume em outro alguém e lembrar de como é ter você comigo quando não é possível.

Eu odeio pensar em você nas mãos de outra, foi com você que aprendi o verdadeiro significado da palavra ciúme.

Eu odeio não conseguir controlar meus impulsos com você, como sinto necessidade de ter noticias suas ou como não consigo omitir nenhum pensamento.

Eu odeio como o tempo, mais do que a distância, nos afasta. Odeio não poder te ver, te abraçar, te beijar todo dia.

Eu odeio não poder pedir muito de você, por ser uma pessoa deveras responsável quando não deveria ser, pensando somente num futuro idealizado ainda criança deixando de adicionar as intervenções do presente.

Eu odeio sofrer por amar você e não poder.

_______________________________________________________

Eu amo o jeito que você me faz sentir, como uma criança feliz com um brinquedo novo, só de falar as palavras que eu quero ouvir. Soa como música para os meus ouvidos saber que você, tanto quanto eu, gosta da idéia do nós, não mais o eu e você.

Nova abordagem da vida

Um dos atributos da vida é o tempo.

O tempo é dividido em três:

Passado, Presente e Futuro

Saudades, Experiências, Sonhos;

Memórias, Realizações, Imaginação;

respectivamente.

Ócio não produtivo

Minhas reflexões são baseadas no que eu sinto e o que eu sinto, por sua vez é baseado no que eu vivo. Logo, se não vivo algo interessante, não sinto nem observo. E isso aconteceu ontem e muito provavelmente acontecerá hoje e depois de amanhã e etc etc etc. Sou o único ser da face da terra que estou de férias (hipérbole that means: todos meus amigos estão em aula, menos eu). Não estou reclamando, muito pelo contrário; estou feliz de não ter que acordar 6 hs da manhã, pegar um trânsito infernal e ter milhões de textos pra ler...direito civil, constitucional, direitos humanos...aff, essa vida não era pra mim! Entretanto, ao mesmo tempo enfrento uma fase de completo ócio, pois além de nao ter quase nada pra fazer a semana inteira, ainda tomei uma decisão difícil, mas necessária: não posso ficar saindo a noite, festas, boates, bares o tempo todo. Não faz bem a minha saúde.

Como não sinto nenhuma inspiração indo a academia, ou ao dentista, resta-me postar algo antigo...

tenho guardado aqui comigo alguns poemas-musicas e toda vez que não tiver nada em minha mente, eu posto. =)

Esse é um muito especial. E não é porque acho ele muito bom, até porque nem acho, maaas ta aí.

When I walk back to my sun

We were the best kind of best friends
So many secrets, laughter and roles
I could say you were my shelter in the cold.

Used to say you love me, but that’s not true.
You love that girl, I know you do.
But you’re the one that could make my dreams come true.

Playing with fire wasn’t good
Because now I’m hurt and I can’t tell you
I just wish you don’t forget all we've been through

Pretty soon, I would say
I will go far away
And nothing will never ever be the same

But I know It’s not just your protection
When all the songs aim my mind in your direction
to me you are almost an heart infection

For now, I’ll just say goodbye
But It hurts deep inside
Because it doesn't feel right

So I have to, I have to, I have to say
I love you, I need you, don’t leave me this way
say what you used to say, make me feel ok

Don’t be afraid my dear,
I’m sure I’ll be there if you need
I'll never let you bleed

I just wish I could say the same;
Will it be the same in ten years?
Well…that’s the reason for my tears.

The winter is over, Spring's here
And summer will make all of it dissapear

Pai,

Provavelmente eu nunca te disse metade do que vou escrever aqui;

Pai, na minha memória, sempre foi sinônimo de esforço, trabalho, vitória. Meu pai é assim: uma história de vida que inspira qualquer um a ser perseverante e acreditar em si mesmo. De trabalhador braçal desde os 5 anos de idade à Empresário foi uma trajetória e tanto, muitas vezes sacrificante.

Meu pai tem várias faces. É um profissional exemplar. Trabalha, trabalha, trabalha...e trabalha até demais. Por muitas vezes reclamamos, pedimos pra ele ficar mas não adianta. Ele está sempre a frente de tudo que faz, a todo momento, seja nas empresas ou até quando está no carro ou em casa no nextel, sempre cuidando de tudo para que a gente possa disfrutar uma vida confortável . O grande defeito do meu pai, é achar que isso é tudo. Que o papel dele como pai é exclusivamente pagar as contas. Já tentei de inúmeras maneiras provar pra ele ao contrário, mas teimoso que só ele (e confesso que herdei esse gene), continua a ignorar o que sempre esteve na frente dele. Eu espero que um dia a ficha caia, pois eu não aguento mais discutir por isso over and over again.

Não vem ao caso falar do meu pai como marido, deixo essa reflexão pra minha mãe. Meu pai é esportista de fim de semana, é fã de frutos do mar, é português com sotaque, é vascaíno, é amante de carros, é ouvinte de CBN, Band News...

É um pai maravilhoso in his own way. Não demonstra afeto, talvez por sua criação dura do interior de portugal, por ter que ser uma criança com responsabilidades de adulto. Ele está sempre na defensiva, sempre pede algo em troca, mas também sempre faz o que acha melhor pra gente; podemos até achar na hora que não é, mas depois percebemos que ele estava certo. Não resiste a um pedido com jeitinho, me criou pra ser uma menina responsável e modéstia a parte fez um bom trabalho. Me ensinou a dar valor as coisas e a não ligar pra coisas superficiais. Me trata como igual, tenta me entender, apesar de muitas vezes não conseguir visto as diferenças de idade, sexo, geração, de paixões. Vê um mundo racional, diferente de mim que vejo um mundo onde o concreto é sonhar e alcançar. Sei que decepciono por não seguir o projeto de vida que arquitetou pra mim: ser uma pessoa mais caseira, atlética, uma advogada, te ajudando nos negócios; mas obrigado por me aceitar e me amar mesmo assim, do jeito que eu sou.

Pai,

Quero te agradecer por tudo, tudo que você fez e faz por mim, pois eu reconheço que você dedica praticamente toda a sua vida em prol da minha;não só pro básico, mas também pra realizar todos os meus caprichos, pra realizar meus sonhos, pra investir em mim. Apesar de eu pouco demonstrar,provavelmente porque você não é tão aberto e carinhoso e por termos uma personalidade muito parecida (ou de acordo com a minha mãe, exatamente igual), eu sou muito grata por tudo. Você é meu herói, meu ídolo, meu porto seguro. Aprendi muito com você e vou levar isso comigo pra sempre.

E quero que saiba que um dia eu vou retribuir tudo que você fez por mim.

Isso tudo poderia ser resumido em 3 palavras: Eu te amo.

Vida

Eu ia dar o título a esse post de adolescência, mas ao pensar mais sobre o que escrever, percebi que o que vou falar não devia ser atribuído somente a essa fase, e sim a toda vida. Acho que faria a diferença se todos pensassem do mesmo jeito.

Vida,palavra tão pequena e ao mesmo tempo tão abrangente. Tantos adjetivos podem ser atribuídos a ela, e o mais interessante é que esses são determinados pelas ações e reações do detentor desse poder e daqueles ao seu redor, nem sempre é o que você quer que seja.

Vida é variável x que, dependendo da equação na qual está inserida, tem resultados diversos.

Vida não é mera fisiologia; é sentimento, mente, alma.

É intensidade, é paixão, felicidade, coragem, esforço, perseverança,e as vezes é melancolia, raiva, rancor, quando não podemos conter.

É pensar, sonhar e concretizar, e tudo que acontece no meio dessa jornada.

Muitas vezes é problema, erro, arrependimento e com isso vem aprendizado que nos faz jamais repetir a mesma ação a fim de evitarmos resultados tão desastrosos.

A vida é feita de paradoxos: amor e ódio, certeza e dúvida, alegria e tristeza, azar e sorte, mentiras e verdades, diversão e seriedade, dor e prazer, liberdade e responsabilidade e milhões de outros pares opostos que marcam presença no seu campo semântico.

Vida é um conjunto de momentos, de fases que quando ao serem completadas promovem o amadurecimento do indivíduo que a possui.

Vida é....vida é..

Vida é maravilhosa mesmo considerando todas as imperfeições.

Vida é uma grande aventura.

Vida é simplesmente viver, sem fórmula ou manual de instrução.

A vida é uma be-le-za!

A vida é o que você faz dela.

portanto, viva.

Hipocrisia

Vim hoje falar em minha língua nativa sobre tal comportamento da humanidade. Hipocrisia, dispensando as ordinárias e denotativas definições de dicionário, é nada mais que a condenação de algo que você pratica; e é a partir dessa definição que me permito afirmar com a mais certa das certezas que vivemos numa sociedade hipócrita. Você pode não ser um hipócrita por inteiro, mas com certeza já julgou alguém por fazer algo e em outra ocasião fez a mesma coisa.

Ser hipócrita não siginifica ser uma pessoa má. Muitas vezes a hipocrisia é causada por uma mudança de pensamento. Eu, por exemplo, já mudei de opinião sobre vários assuntos no decorrer do meu amadurecimento. Não é algo de que possa me orgulhar, mas não tenho vergonha de falar que sou (como todo mundo) uma pessoa hipócrita. Gostaria e faço de tudo para não ser e venho melhorando (gostaria que reconhecessem esse esforço)

Na maioria das vezes a hipocrisia está ligado a assuntos polêmicos, e ser hipócrita nesse caso se relaciona também à preocupação com o que os outros vão achar e é nesse caso que eu peco. Apesar de muitas vezes negar isso (olha a hipocrisia aí de novo!), eu ligo sim pro que os outros pensam de mim. Não deixo de fazer o que eu quero por causa do juízo das pessoas, mas confesso que peso isso antes de agir.

Acho que esse discurso de que "não ligo pro que os outros pensam" não tá com nada! Acho que todo mundo liga sim; uns mais, uns menos. Eu já me preocupei bastante com isso e vejo que há uma relação diretamente proporcional ao nivel de hipocrisia, que por sua vez pode ter a ver com o nível de amadurecimento do ser humano. Antes eu era uma juíza de valores com medo de "errar", agora depois de um pouco de empirismo da vida sou mais livre desse preconceito social que envolve a humanidade, livre até demais, I must say.

Artista que sou, preciso confessar a minha angústia conquistada com essa nova liberdade. Não gosto que os outros pensem coisas negativas sobre mim, não gosto de saber que eu desagradei alguém, ou que alguém ache alguma coisa que eu não sou. Já não é mais uma questão de hipocrisia, e sim de personalidade. Eu SOU assim, isso me magoa. E se isso é ser considerado hipócrita, então pode me considerar uma de primeira...

What is love?

"Love makes us act like we are fools

Throw our lives away for one happy day."

"Everyday should be a new day

To make you smile and find a new way

Of falling in love"

"At last my love has come along

My lonely days are over
And life is like a song."

"One of these days, maybe your magic won't affect me

And your kiss won't make me weak

But no one in this world knows me the way you know me

So you'll probably always have a spell on me."

"You know that I can't sleep cause I'm terrified

It feels like I'm falling down really fast inside

And I'm wishing the night away

These chills in the evening, they won't go away."

"Give me more loving than I've ever had

Make it all better when I'm feeling sad

Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not
Make it feel good when it hurt so bad

Barely getting mad, I'm so glad I've found you

I love being around you, you make it easy."

"A thousand miles is pretty far

But they've got planes, trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Our friends will all make fun of us

And We'll just laugh along because

We know that none of them have felt this way"

"Love is all you need."

Save me your last dance.

Please save me your last dance

I was looking for fun, not for romance

but now you have my life in your hands,

you made my mind make no sense.

Why don't you save me your last dance?

I want you to feel it, not to pretend.

Is this thing for real or another "just friends"?

Just don't regret later, give it a chance.

It's the last music, you're only shot

this one is mine, do you think I forgot?

So hurry up, come on, show me all you got

there's no formula, spell or plot

to win my heart, boy

Give me the chance to drive you insane

matching hips, pressing lips

doing tricks, getting tipsy.

a lot can change in a year.

Well, a lot has changed since my last post. I'm not able to tell you EVERYTHING in 1, 2 or even 3 posts, so let's take a "quick" look at the past.
2009 was THE year. It was intesive both positive and negatively. I spent january at watertown and it was awesome and sad at the same time....I didn't wanna leave that freaking small town. I had the best new year's bash ever (in a basement lol) , a co-ed sleepover, I hooked up with a german and a spaniard (once in a lifetime lol) and I had a surprise party. What else could I ask for?
February. I came back to Brazil with no time to rest. right back to school. and oh my gosh, it sucked! I had spent the last semester in a super easy school...I didn't even had homework and I had straight As. Back to Santo Agostinho It was hard to get used to the harsh routine, but I did my best. I was also hard to get along with my classmates. I don't blame them at all; Distance is powerful and so is time, they can change everything and so did they. The best thing about this month was for sure our trip to buzios. We were about 20 people and we had such a great time...unforgettable.
March and April were very tiring. Test, tests and tests combined with approximately 42,5 hours spent in the school per week equals noooo free time!Plus my grades weren't straight As anymore (I wish!) and I was very desmotivated. I had a loot of doubts about the future, I was still missing my watertown folks, etc etc etc. My life was a total mess.
Ohh May! Despite of school, we had one of the best parties ever. Our senior barbecue was perfect! so much fun! It was perfectly organized...we couldn't ask for more.
June came fast and the countdown began. Although we were supposed to be focused on our mid-terms, we couldn't help but think about winter break and of course, our second senior party and this time it would be thematic. I cannot go on without mentioning the greatest event of the year: Michael Jackson, king of Pop (emerrota for us lol) was dead. That was so chocking!
July was a great month. First the cabaret was settled, oh yeah! we had fun dressed as 30s whores and gangsters lol. that was a great start for our winter break. That was a great month...NO SCHOOL! I first went to a club with my friends we hanged out a lot.
In the beginning of August we had some great unexpected news...winter break was extended because of the swine flu! one more week!!! we tried to get the most of the situation and It was fun ^^.
September always has a great start! that's probably because it's my birthday! September 1st. I had a little party this year and It was super cool...more that I expected. In the end of the month we had our little senior trip to angra which can be described in few words: alcohol, party, friends and rain lol.
October was a veery busy and confusing month. why? because we had to worry about college tests and school tests. DOUBLE YAAY ¬¬! And to complete my sin, ENEM, the national high school exam, was delayed 2 days before the former date. Thank you Hadadd (Minister of Education) for changing the whole college process in MY Senior Year. Why?? Anyway..we did a little protest in copacabana beach and we even appeared in newspapers and on the TV. I still remember all the funny songs we sang that day =).
November had arrived so faast...we were all excited about finishing school for like EVER but at the same time worried about our grades (not everybody, but at least I was!) It passed really quickly. Before we noticed, we were already doing finals and most of us made it through.
December was a great month! School's out, scream and shout lol!! Graduation, Prom, Christmas...everything was absolutely fantastic...couldn't ask for more. And we finally got here...January 2010..I have great expectations for this year, but also a lot of doubts and decisions to be made.
New Year resolution? 2010 must rock!
Cheers everyone!

Unsent letter

Hey
idk if u ever gonna read that....i wonder..
but i fell like writin here to you....no matter what u acting like or not, im still a fool and i still feel comfortable and happy talkin to you (even it has to be like dat, in such a impersonal way) and i still like to consider you my best friend because our relationship was the closest i get to a best friends relationship so far...
my life sucks, uk? ive been thinkin in givin up of everything...school, future, life....it seems that my whole world is fucked up...
first of all, after i got out of there and left so many ppl that i loved and that loved me back....true friends, it was so hard...u hav no idea how many nights i still cry because of that...my strength was you all, bc here i knew i wouldnt hav anybody who cares bout me, or to trust.
I knew my school would be boring and make me tired, i knew my free time would be reduced, i knew i couldn't do the things that i love bc its senior year....all this things that i knew, they made me really sad.
But what still hurts the most is the things that r happenin and ive never thought they would happen.
theres all the pressure bout the future...I always thought i wanted to go to some music college and now my dad doesnt want me to go, and that made me think bout it and realize that im not sure bout anything...im so fucking lost like ive never been b4. i cannot even explain how. and thats such a pressure in my mind...everybody is so sure bout their futures, while im the dreamer..
and then, the worse thing that happened to me...u left me without any reason or explanation. u just went away, the only person that i thought i would talk forever, actually that MADE ME THINK that...this person, my best friend, the one that i told everything about me, somethings that i couldnt say, that showed me how life can be fun, that gave me so much love and cared bout me, that told me i helped soo much, left me when i needed him the most.
Im surrounded by ppl here but im alone at the same time.
nobody cares that much, nobody is there when u need, we r all just classmates that try to hav some fun in the small amount of free time that we have.
My life is so bad that i'd rather recall the last months than live my reality. i still rather get home and go to my laptop and try to talk to ppl in watertown than do my homework or study (that its wat i was supposed to do).
I still read ur goodbye letter sometimes...pretty much every week...that still makes me cry and feel loved and believe that ull be there always, and that i still hav my best friends right there wanting me back.
Ik thats not the truth right now but this illusion is better than my real life and thats my only hope right now.
without my memories i would be nothing now.
and thats all i hav to say.
as i told you i dont expect u to read that....in case that u do..well i still hav faith in u.
thanks for "listening".
xxx

______________________
Well, a couple months have passed and now I can say that I'm over it. Since you want me out of your life, I won't look for you in the crowd. I know you'll very happy. Thank you for the memories. I will never forget. Someday, I'll be famous and you'll be in my songs...that's all I can offer right now.
You hurt me, but I don't care anymore.

Hello folks!
Coming here after couple days. Sorry, but my internet was crapy these days.
Well, I actually don't have a lot to say. My easter break is being kinda lame. Wednesday was fun, I went out to dinner with my friends and then one of them sleptover my house and we basically played Guitar hero world tour and laugh. But yesterday, I didn't do anything really cool. I just went to my uncle's house and slept during Twilight. Let me explain! It was in portuguese and GOSH, I hate movies that are not in their original language, and I was super tired.
Today is holy friday (?) Tradition says you can't eat meat like cow or pork. I cannot see any sense in this, but I keep following it, I don't know why, I just do it.
I must say I'm frustrated right now. Friday night, no classes tomorrow morning and I'm here, with nothing to do, booo-red. If I were in the US, this time I would be out with my friends like we always did; Gosh, I miss that, more than anything. I miss having no worries about school. I could do everything I wanted at anytime surrounded by people that I loved. Here life equals prison. School keeps us always occupied, they rule our life, they even chose who our friends would be by alphabetical order. They don't encourage people to dream, to imagine, to create. They teach us how to solve equations, how to obey stringent rules, how to make it through college, but they forget to teach us how to solve problems, how to understand our emotions, handle harsh situations, how to be tolerant about the other's fault, to admit you're wrong and how to apoligize. They just treat us like robots, they call us numbers instead of our names, they don't give us options, opportunity to complain. They're just a system that will remain the same until someone gets enough courage to face them.
And in Brazil, that never happens. People over here are conformed about reality. They don't believe in changes anymore. A true politician with good intetions will be killed if he tries to do the right thing because the other ones are only there to steal the public money. Scadals are something normal here nowadays. They involve everyone, from the drug dealer, to the policeman, to the governor, the judge, the president. It's something we can see, but we don't complain about it. That makes me feel so uncapable, and that's actually what I really am. I wish I could change everything wrong, but I'm one in the crowd...and I can't even scream because I would get a sore throat. Well, I dream about the day I will have some influence and in that I can change the world, or at least my city.
My question tonight is: How can they bet on us, this new generation, to give a better future to this world, while they are giving us the worst kind of examples, an incomplete education?
And that's how I will finish my post.
a song, of course.

"Life inside the music box ain't easy
The mallets hit, the gears are always turning
And everyone inside the mechanism
Is yearning
To get out
And sing another melody completely
So different from the one they're always singing
I close my eyes and think that I have found me
But then I feel mortality surround me
I want to sing another melody
So different from the one I always sing..."

and that's how I feel.
Cheers everyone o/

Such a long long way to go, where I'm going I don't know...

Hey hey hey!
Didn't have time to post in here yesterday. I hung out at my neighbours house the whole afternoon and spent the nigth at my friends house play rock band, eating pizza, talking, listening to music...it was kinda cool. I had tons of fun. I must admit I'm not that inspired today but I'll try my best.
Today in the morning, I went to the beach. I stayed a while there sunbathing looking to the clouds and, guess what? Thinking about life, again. The clouds looked so peaceful. They seemed to be there comforting me, pure condensed water. They had no worries that moment, totally different from when it's raining, when they seem depressed. It's the same logic for human beings. Not for me though. I can act like a fluffy white cloud all the time, even if I'm completely blue. Life is my stage and I'm an actress, i would say, always trying to get the main role. I've been randomly crying everytime I get out of the role. That's why I almost don't get out of it anymore.
Music, my greatest passion, used to help me so much with all this sadness, now It's only supporting it. Every single song I hear or sing, there's a part I can relate with my "play". This long play, I hope, is getting to its climax. I would be lying if I said nothing really big has ever happened to me, because there were big deals in my life, but they've never come out the way I wanted to or they haven't had a proper end. I don't know how to explain that. It's probably because I'm a dreamer, One part of me still expects my life to be a fairytale where I'm the girl that the dreams can easily come true and everything is always perfect. The other part is pretty realistic and knows that this can't be true. Actually It thinks that life would be really boring without all the drama lol.
What I can say is: life is not easy, but that's what makes it so interesting.
That's why I need to think about it. But I just can't think that my situation is happening for my good, you know.
I just wish I had less superficial things to be excited about at the moment (??)
That's all...Cheers!
"What would you do if I sang outta tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
And i'll try not to sing outta key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends!"
*hoping*

Well, here I am again, to write about my boring life and thoughts.
I swear I tried to post yesterday but I couldn't, I had an essay to write and a book to read for the tests tomorrow. But I thought about a lot of stuff to write in here. As usual, it won't make sense at all but at least I'm true in every single word that's here.

I was supposed to be studying now. Have four tests in the morning (Yeah, tomorrow is saturday and, yes, I have school!), but I can't study too much. I admire people that can study 2 weeks before the test, 4 hours a day but I'm not able to do that. I try (with no success) to pay attention in all the classes and study 30 minutes the day before the test. I'm not the smartest kid neither the dumb one. That's all because I love to think (as you probably noticed lol) and it's really hard to me to keep focus on something or concentrated, because when I think about something that will make me think about another thing by association and so on....no one can stop my mind.

These 2 days, It has been raining here in Rio, and I just remember how much I love summer rain (although it's officially fall here, It feels like summer all year long): always so fast, after weeks of extremely hot days, makes me want to lock in my room with popcorn, movies my purple blanket and hot cocoa. This ideal day is so different from my reality: no matter the weather, I have to spend the whole that at my classroom at school, impersonal room with 42 kids on the inside. There's a huge difference between what I want to do, what I have to do and what I wish I could do. If I weren't that worried about my health, I would love to go outside and just dance crazily and without thinking about all the problems I would have in my throat because of that.
Life is not about you want or you wish; it's about doing what you have to do. And that's something that makes me frustrated. I want so many things, I dream about my life constantly and I strongly wish that they'll come true and then I need to give up of everything to do what I have to do, no passion, no emotion involved. It's just something you must do because it's a convention. But I believe in me and I won't be corrupted by that. When I get free from school, I will fight for this right, to do what I want, to have the life I've always dreamt about. Because deep inside, what really cares is not my fathers complains or my peers pressure. It's my judgement about myself that I care about. That's my measurement of happiness; as long as I'm satisfied with myself, I'll be fine; and the only way this can happen is following my principles and dreams, and having people I love around me.
That's another point I thought a lot about yesterday. Nowadays, for the majority of people, happiness is about having a good job, making money, having a good social life. Well, for me, happiness has always been pleasing the people I love. Pure and true happiness for me is watching my friends and family happy. Disappointing them makes me depressed that I cannot sleep well at night thinking about my mistake. I don't know if I'm the only one that thinks that way, I guess so. This is just another feeling that increases my frustration about the world. I don't know. I just realized that I'm probably one of a kind in a constant search for people like me to share my love and my thoughts and If I don't change drastically I will be always sad about something.
"I need somebody to love..." and to be loved in return, that's a fact. But I've just realized that, in my senior year, after more than 8 years in the same class, where everybody is friends with their friends since like forever and a year that doesn't give me time to do anything else besides school. After being coldly ditched by the person that used to say she was my bff, I was lost there. A whole life friendship thrown out the window in few weeks. That made me weaker each second and that's probably the main reason I arranged my sweet escape to uncle sam's world. I thought everything would be better when I got back here, but there was actually when my biggest problems began. But if I started to talk abour them right now, I would spend my whole night here.
And that's how finish my post: unfinished. I promiss I'll talk about that later.
Now I'm just typing a song I wrote at school not a long time ago. I have the lyrics, but no rhythm yet. I'll write here hoping that somebody (a.k.a. Shannon lol) will find out the melody to my lyrics.
That's all. Cheers to everybody!

Sunlight
by Ana Luiza Ferreira

Close your eyes
And think about me for a while
And then I might
Be right there on your side.

I wish It could be always like that
But life is so unfair.
I had to move on, come back to my world
Without you to comfort me though.

I miss you,
And you have no idea how I do.
I need you,
To help me make it through.
You gave me love,
Completed my life,
You cheered me up
And was there all the time
I need you,
and you have no idea how I do.

Constantly headaches,
Frustrating dates,
Nobody is there for me and
I know I'm not right,
keep telling I'll be fine,
But not without you here.

Just wondering...

I've been thinking a lot about what to write in here...don't ask me why but I've been always like that. I always think before and when I start writing, it never ends the way i planned. Well, it's a curse.
Another point is that it's my first post and I don't know how to start it...I have a lot of things to tell, but I don't know how to start.
And I'll probably remember a lot of random things while I'm writing and in the end this post will have no sense at all.
So, as I said, after thinking about it, I decided I was going to explain things in this first post and that's what I'm doing right now.

First of all, I'm not writing this thing to people read it. I'm not expecting people to visit it and get famous. Of course I will show it to my closest friends (which are not a lot at this moment =/). My main reason for that is my necessity to talk about my life and my issues. I need someone to hear and help me, but I just feel I'm bothering my friends with all my talking. Although I don't have free time to keep a blog, I will try my best to do it.

Second of all, I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, with a lot of different experiences "in my luggage". During the last 2 years and a half, my life has been so intensive positive and negatively. I have been doing everything I can, getting the most of my life, living new adventures, facing problems by myself. I've been doing everything like there's no tomorrow, taking all my chances and risks, learning and changing constantly, always trying to follow my principles. During this time, The feelings have been so extreme, like it never was before and they are the main reason of all my problems. Being an artist, I admit I'm too emotional. There were people that told me my problem is loving and caring too much about the others. That might be true, but that's who I am, and no matter how hard I'll try, I'll never be able to change this condition. You must be asking yourself why that is a problem. Well the problem is that loving the others, I expect to be loved in return in the same way. That never happens and I always get frustrated. I'm not talking about lovers, I'm talking about friends. I always try so hard to please my friends and I never see they doing the same effort for me. It makes me depressed, specially now that I just came back to my homecountry believing on false promisses of keeping in touch and loving each other forever. Well, what it's happening now is the same old story: I'm getting sad and disappointed while I'm being forgotten and in some cases, even ignored by some of my friends. I tried my best (no, I've been trying my best) to keep in touch with them, but all I see is no effort, no affection.

Third, I must say i'm a dreamer and a believer and right now, I think I'm the only one. The only person fool enough to believe that this situation will change, that I can change it. But once again, that's me and I can't fight against it.

Forth, I hate my life back here. I have no true friends, I have no free time, I don't have a lot of fun. All I do is study and study and study and this is not a life. I miss having somebody always there for me when i need him/her, somebody to talk about silly stuff, somebody that advise you, console you and that i feel safe when I'm with. I don't have any of that in my new life. My present is so terrible that I'd rather live in the past, recall my memories, than living now.
My only hope now is thinking that tomorrow will be better. When the hell is gonna be tomorrow?

Fifth and last, I'm really confused about my future...like I've never been before. Senior year makes you think a lot about it and I just realized I'm completely lost. I've always wanted to do so many things and now I have to decide one of them as a career and my dad doesn't approve any of them.

That's pretty much my life right now.
Amazing, isn't it? (being ironic, of course.)
Now I just feel like ending up with a song quotation.
Songs have the power to "translate" my feelings to words.
Cheers everybody!

"All this time, you've been telling me lies
hidden in bags that are under your eyes
and when I asked you I knew I was right
But if you turn your back on me now,
when I need you most
but you chose to let me down down down
Won't you think about what you're about to do to me,
and back down?"